Touhou Lulz
by CrazyManiacz
Summary: I have too much time on my hands so I make these stories. BTW, you can't be trapped by something as simple as common sense, so don't expect it here. A trollfic
1. And Then In Hell

Chapter 1: And Then In Hell

One day Clownpiece decided to colonize Hell.

She went over to Hecatia and said, "get out of here noobz i run this joint now"

Hecatia replied, "hah i'd like to see you try betch" and then pointed the middle finger at Clownpiece.

Clownpiece was enraged and screamed, "FITE ME M8 I'LL REKT YOU"

Clownpiece shot out many stars and so stripes that everyone in hell went "wow" and then it really looked like America came to colonize Hell

Hecatia was shocked. "WTF OMG GET YOUR PATRONIZING BULLSHET OUT OF HERE"

 **AND THEN KANAKO CAME IN AND SAID, "WHO DARES TO SUMMON ME"**

 **AND THEN SUWAKO CAME IN AND SAID, "SHE CALLED ME NOT YOU SNAKE BETCH"**

 **AND THEN KANAKO SAID, "NO ONE EVEN KNOWS YOU BECAUSE I'M CLEARLY THE MORE POPULAR GOD YOU HIKOKOKIMORI BETCH"**

 **AND THEN SUWAKO SAID. "HAH YOU CAN'T EVEN SPELL CORRECTLY BETCH"**

 **AND THEN KANAKO SAID, "YOU GON' DIE BETCH"**

 **AND THEN SO MANY SNAKES CAME OUT AND SLITHERED EVERYWHERE**

 **AND THEN SO MANY FROGS CAME OUT AND HOPPED EVERYWHERE**

 **AND THEN THERE WAS ANOTHER GREAT SUWA WAR**

 **AND THEN THE STARS AND STRIPES WERE STILL SHOOTING**

 **AND THEN HECATIA SAID "GET OUT OF MY HOUSE" BUT IT WASN'T HER HOUSE SO NO ONE CARED**

 **AND THEN MOONS CAME OUT OF NOWHERE AND FLOATED EVERYWHERE AND TRIED TO HIT EVERYONE BUT THEY DIDN'T SINCE HECATIA'S AIMING WAS PATHETIC**

 **AND THEN CLOWNPIECE SAID "YOUR AIMING SUCKS HECATIA"**

 **AND THEN SHE WAS HIT BY AN EXPLODING MOON**

 **AND THEN THE MOONBETCHES CAME OUT OF THE MOON**

" **WHY ARE WE HERE" YELLOW MOONBETCH SAID**

" **IDK BUT LET'S REKT EVERYONE" PURPLE MOONBITCH SAID**

 **AND THEN THEY REKT EVERYONE BECAUSE THEY WERE SO UNFAIRLY POWERFUL BECAUSE OF THE GOD THAT MADE THEM**

 **AND THEN JUNKO CAME IN AND SAID "WHERE IS CHANGE YOU PIECES OF SHET"**

 **AND THEN CLOWNPIECE SAID "GO GET CHANGE AT THE DOLLAR STORE"**

 **AND THEN JUNKO SAID "OK" AND THEN SHE LEFT**

 **BUT BEFORE SHE LEFT SHE MADE CLOWNPIECE SUPER UBER POWERFUL AGAIN**

 **AND THEN CLOWNPIECE SAID "IT'S LUNATIC TIME" AND THEN SHE REKT EVERYONE**

 **AND THEN THE YELLOW MOONBETCH SAID "OMG A FAIRY"**

 **AND THEN THE PURPLE MOONBETCH SAID "RETREAT AHHHHHHHHH"**

 **AND THEN THEY ATE BEANS AND FARTED ALL THE WAY BACK TO THE MOON IN SPACE**

 **AND THEN KANAKO'S VINES AND SUWAKO'S IRON RINGS DIED BECAUSE OF THE FART**

 **AND THEN KANAKO SAID "THIS SUCKS I'M GOING HOME"**

 **AND THEN SUWAKO SHOVED TREES UP KANAKO'S UNMENTIONABLES WHICH MADE HER SHET BRICKS**

 **AND THEN THE SHET LANDED INSIDE HELL'S FIRES**

 **AND THEN THE FIRES EXPLODED AND BECAME NUCLEAR SUNS**

 **AND THEN OKUU WAS LIKE "OMG, LIKE, WHO DARES TO SUMMON ME AND STUFF"**

 **AND THEN SUWAKO DROPPED A MOUNTAIN ON HER**

 **AND THEN KANAKO SAID "GET OUT YOU DUMB BETCH NO ONE CALLED FOR YOU"**

Okuu was shocked. " _How could they…?"_ She thought. She desperately sifted through her mind for an answer, but came up with none. " _Maybe... "_ She dreaded the thought. " _What if they hate me?"_

Her eyes welled up with tears. "I-I guess I wasn't good enough for you…" She sniffled, and looked away. "If… If you don't want me anymore, I'll just go…."

 **AND THEN SUWAKO SAID "GET OUT ALREADY"**

 **AND THEN SHE SHOVED A TREE UP HER UNMENTIONABLES**

 **AND THEN OKUU GOT LAUNCHED AWAY TO JAPAN**

 **AND THEN SHE EXPLODED AND NUKED IT**

 **AND THEN KANAKO SAID "LOOK AT WHAT YOU DID YOU CLUMSY PIECE OF SHET"**

 **AND THEN CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS CAME OVER WITH A LAVA-PROOF BOAT AND SAID "** Golly, this looks like a fine place indeed!"

 **AND THEN HE SAID "I think I'll call this place AMERICA"**

 **AND THEN CLOWNPIECE SHOT HIM WITH A GUN AND SAID "GET REKT M8 I ALREADY COLONIZED THIS PLACE"**

 **AND THEN COLUMBUS DIED**

 **AND THEN ORIN CAME IN AND TOOK HIS BODY**

 **AND THEN HECATIA THREW A MOON ON HER BECAUSE SHE WAS STEALING**

 **AND THEN SATORI CAME IN AND SAID "OH NO MY PET HOW DARE YOU"**

 **AND THEN HECATIA THREW A MOON ON HER BECAUSE SHE WAS ANNOYING**

 **AND THEN KOISHI CAME IN AND SAID "I WONDER WHAT I'LL EAT FOR BREAKFAST TOMORROW"**

 **AND THEN SHE TORE HERSELF IN HALF AND CREATED A GIGANTIC TEAR IN TIME AND SPACE**

 **AND THEN SUMIREKO CAME IN AND SAID "WHERE AM I"**

 **AND THEN HECATIA THREW A MOON ON HER FOR FUN**

 **AND THEN RENKO AND MARIBEL CAME IN AND SAID "OMG SUMIREKO ARE YOU OK"**

 **AND THEN HECATIA THREW MOONS ON THEM FOR GOOD MEASURE**

 **BUT MARIBEL WAS ACTUALLY YUKARI**

 **SO SHE GAPPED IN REIMU**

 **AND THEN REIMU SAID "DAMMIT YUKARI I'M SO PISSED RIGHT NOW I WAS HAVING TEA BUT THEN YOU HAD TO GO AND RUIN IT"**

 **AND THEN SHE SAID "HAX SIGN BURN EVERYTHING"**

 **AND THEN THE WHOLE OF HELL EXPLODED AND EVERYONE DIED**

 **AND THEN SHIKIEKI YUAMXEANDU CAME IN AND SAID "YOU WILL BE JUDGED FOR KILLING EVERYONE HERE AND BEING A STUCK-UP BETCH"**

 **AND THEN SHE MURDERED REIMU WITH HER ROD OF REMORSE**

 **AND THEN SHE TURNED TO THE AUTHOR AND SAID "YOU WILL BE JUDGED FOR SPELLING MY NAME WRONGLY"**

 **AND THEN SHE OH SHET AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH**

(RIP CrazyManiacz 2015 - _He lived a completely retarded life)_

Moral of the story: Do not spell Eiki Shiki, Yamaxanadu wrongly or you will be murdered. (It's her real name and title!)


	2. Moshi Moshi?

_Disclaimer: I have no personal belongings so I cannot possibly own Touhou or anything because I'm too poor._

Also, I've decided to update this whenever I get a new idea, so updates will not be regular.

Each chapter will probably be a one-shot, maybe sometimes two.

I am a decent person who does not swear. However, I make other people swear, starting from this chapter.

That's all! Enjoy…

EDIT: Changed the title to something more appropriate. Also changed the "Hello?" parts. (OH MY FOCKING GOD WHY DOESN'T THE LEFT ARROW APPEAR)

 **333333333333333333333333333333333**

Chapter 2: "Moshi Moshi?"

"Ahh, that was some good udon, ze…" Marisa sighed as she walked towards her house. She had eaten the udon at her favourite udon shop with Reimu earlier, and the sun was beginning to set.

"Home sweet home, da ze…" She sighed as she entered her house. She went over to her bed and placed her broom next to it-

Suddenly, she heard her telephone ring.

" _Ah, who's that, ze?"_ Marisa thought in surprise as she went over to her telephone. " _Kinda late for people to be calling me, da ze…"_

Of course, it never occurred to her that she had no idea what a telephone was, let alone know how to use it. She had never seen a telephone in her life, so she did not own one at all.

However, as she walked towards the telephone, she felt that it was a part of the house since she had begun to live here, and she knew exactly how to pick it up and receive the call.

"Moshi moshi, ze? Who is this, ze?" Marisa asked.

There was no response.

"Um… Hello, da ze?" Marisa asked, getting impatient.

A figure appeared behind her.

"Hey, if you're pranking me, I'm gonna hang up, okay, da ze?" Marisa said, irritatedly.

The figure advanced closer to her.

"..." Marisa waited, annoyed.

The figure stood right behind her.

"Alright, that's it, I'm hanging up, da ze!" Marisa shouted.

But before she could take the phone away from her ear-

" **MOSHI MOSHI MOTHERFUCKER" THE FIGURE SHOUTED AND STABBED MARISA WITH A KNIFE**

" **HOLY FUCKING DING-DONG BANANASHIT WHAT THE HELL KOISHI" MARISA SCREAMED**

"I called so many times, but you didn't answer…" Koishi said, tears pooling in her eyes.

" **I WAS OUT!" MARISA SCREAMED**

" **YOU WILL DIE FOR IGNORING MY CALLS" KOISHI SCREAMED BACK**

" **NO! DAZEDAZEDAZEDAZEDAZEDAZEDAZEDAZ-"**

 **KOISHI SHOVED A SQUISHY HEART UP MARISA'S BUTT**

 **AND THEN THE HEART EXPLODED AND MARISA'S BUTT OVERFLOWED WITH HEART JUICE**

" **OH MY FUCKING GOD DAZEDAZEDAZEDAZEDAZE" MARISA COULDN'T TAKE THE HEART JUICE AND SHE DIED**

" **AHAHAHAAAHAHHAHAHAHAHUE THAT'S ONE DOWN" KOISHI LAUGHED MANIACALLY LIKE A CRAZY BITCH**

" **TIME FOR THE REST OF GENSOKYO!" KOISHI FLEW OFF**

" **MOSHI MOSHI MOTHERFUCKER" KOISHI STABBED A RANDOM PASSERBY**

" **OH MY GOD WHERE DID YOU COME FROM" YUKI SCREAMED**

"Over there." Koishi said, pointing behind her.

"Oh. Well, that makes sense." Yuki mused.

" **GODDAMMIT YUKI FUCKING HELP ME ALREADY I'M DYING" MAI SCREAMED NEXT TO HER**

" **OH MY GOD MAI YOU'RE DYING" YUKI SCREAMED**

 **Fire blazing in Yuki's eyes and hands, she glared at Koishi. "You're going to pay for hurting my friend!"**

"But you set yourself on fire." Koishi pointed out.

" **OH MY FUCKING GOD I CAN'T SEE" YUKI SCREAMED**

" **GOD DAMMIT YUKI I'LL HELP YOU PUT THE FIRE OUT" MAI SHOUTED AND SHOT COUNTLESS ICE SHARDS AT YUKI WHICH IMPALED THEMSELVES IN HER**

" **AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH IT HURTS SO MUCH AHHHHHHHHHHHH" YUKI MELTED**

" **GOD DAMMIT YUKI YOU USELESS DUMBASS" MAI SCREAMED AND DIED**

" **HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! MOSHI MOSHI BITCH!" KOISHI STABBED ANOTHER RANDOM PASSERBY**

" **OW WHY DID YOU STAB ME I'M A GOOD GIRL" SANAE SCREAMED**

" **AS IF YOU SLUT" KOISHI SHOVED A HEART UP HER BUTT AND IT FARTED HER AWAY INTO SPACE**

 **SANAE HIT THE MOON AND THE MOONBITCHES FELL DOWN TO EARTH**

" **WHAT THE FUCK HIT US?!" PURPLE MOONBITCH SCREAMED**

" **MAYDAY MAYDAY" YELLOW MOONBITCH SHOUTED**

" **WE'VE ALREADY CRASHED YOU DUMBASS" PURPLE MOONBITCH SCREAMED AT HER**

" **IT'S NOT MAY DAY!" LILY WHITE SCREAMED**

" **IT'S SPRING DAY, BITCHES!" LILY BLACK SCREAMED AND ERADICATED EVERYONE AROUND HER**

 **except for koishi…**

" **NOW YOU DIE" KOISHI SCREAMED AND STABBED HER**

" **ARGH!"** Lily Black shouted. " **AS LONG AS THE WORLD EXISTS, THE POWER OF SPRING WILL GO ON…!"**

She fell down onto the ground...

She felt her life ebbing away…

"NO!" Lily White screamed, tears flowing out of her eyes. "YOU CAN'T DIE ON ME!"

"I'm... sorry…" Lily Black moaned, as she breathed her last...

" **OF COURSE YOU DUMBASS SPRING IS PART OF THE WORLD" KOISHI SAID.**

"Oh right!" Lily Black said, "That means I can't die!"

"Oops, I totally forgot!" Lily White laughed and breathed a sigh of relief.

"Well. do you want to have some tea?" Koishi asked.

"Sure!" They both said at the same time.

"Alright, let me just do something first!" Koishi cheerfully said, skipping away.

"I guess we'll wait for her!" Lily Black said brightly.

…

…

…

…

…

...

…

"What's taking her so long?" Lily Black said, annoyed, but she was interrupted by-

 **Her handphone ringing.**

"Oh? Who's that?" Lily White chirped. "You should answer it!"

"Yeah, I shouldn't keep them waiting!" Lily Black agreed.

She rummaged around for it in her pockets…

She dug it out of her pockets…

"Hm, it's an unknown number! I wonder who's this?" Lily Black thought out loud for the benefit of Lily White.

She lifted the phone to her waist…

To the bottom of her ribcage…

To her shoulders…

To her neck…

To her ear…

"Moshi moshi?" Lily Black said, "Who is this-"

" **MOSHI MOSHI MOTHERFUCKERS" KOISHI SCREAMED AND STABBED THEM BOTH WITH HER KNIFE AT THE SAME TIME**

" **WHAT THE FUCK?!" THEY SHOUTED**

 **THEIR BRAINS DID NOT HAVE THE LOGIC REQUIRED TO PROCESS HOW THEY WERE BOTH STABBED AT THE SAME TIME WITH JUST ONE KNIFE**

 **THEIR HEADS EXPLODED**

" **HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" KOISHI LAUGHED LIKE A SUPER CRAZY BITCH**

" **Now, there's just ONE MORE PERSON TO KILL BEFORE I KILL EVERYONE ELSE IN GENSOKYO…" KOISHI LAUGHED, AND SKIPPED AWAY….**

 **3333333333333333333333333333333333**

Sorry for ending it on such an abrupt note, but my phone started ringing, so I need to answer it. It's also getting kinda late here - the library closes at 12, and it's 11.59 now - so I'll stop here, for now. I'll continue this story later, I promise!

Actually, I'll just take the call while I'm typing. I'm good at multi-tasking!

Hmm… I wonder who's calling me anyw


End file.
